ShouldaCouldaWoulda

Whenever the fighting in our marriage got bad, we both had to wonder: Would marriage have been better if I had married someone else?

His answer: Yes. I should have married someone with bigger boobs.

My answer: No. My happiness is my choice.

Our answer together: Let's have sex and make up.

Leaving that last bit alone for the moment, it's time for me to go back to the beginning and admit that yes, I could quite possibly have had a better marriage with someone who wasn't already a manipulative sex addict before I met him. But there could have been other problems. My husband claimed to know this when he talked about choosing me, knowing that things would be difficult. Since this was quite wise and practical and fit with the real me, I assumed it was the real him.

But it turns out, the real him was the love letter guy: "I need you, you complete my world, blah, blah, blah." That was fun and mushy, but I didn't expect to make a marriage work on that. He found out pretty fast that I did not complete his world in any way at all. So he took it out on me, and stuck me to him with more I-still-love-you talk.

And somehow, even though this relationship was all about him, we still managed to have something special. Still, taken as a whole, there's not much that's worth saving.

So I'm back at the beginning: Could I start over again with someone else and be happier? Probably. But I chose him, and I choose him again, not because of him, but because of me. That's who I am: a loyal person, and a happy one by God's grace alone.

But this time, no more needy love. Time for him to prove himself.