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Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Stagnant

Since the excitement of our re-engagement (and, I might as well say it, my husband's return to the bedroom), life's challenges keep coming at us. It's evident to me that the depression my husband was self-medicating with sexual behavior still has him in its grip. He grew tremendously in the last few months, and now, though still unhappy, he has decided that this is as far as he can go. This is as good as life is going to be for him.

He'd better be wrong. I will not settle for that kind of life for myself, or for one whose life is so entwined with mine.

It's maddening to see the things he needs to change, and be unable to advise or force or conjure the changes. Only God can do that--and that is the key. My husband has reached the highest satisfaction he can find for himself. He needs an experience with his Creator to find life that is not just good enough, but abundant.

The Other Ring

One August afternoon, seven years ago, an adorably nervous young man took me hiking in the hills, got down on his knees, and asked me to be his wife. He presented me with an heirloom ring; two-tone with one small diamond. To me, that ring was perfect. It came from the past, from his family, not from a jewelry store. With its slender band, modest stone, and white gold decorations it resembled nothing that graced the ring fingers of my peers.

One April evening, months ago, after learning of this man's betrayal and seeing his persistent self-justification, I gave back the ring and its accompanying wedding band.

One August afternoon, just weeks ago, a confident yet contrite father of two took me hiking in new hills. He got down on his knees and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He presented me with a familiar yet transformed ring; a larger diamond flanked by my birthstone and another small diamond on each side. To us, that ring is perfect. It retains its heirloom look, but includes new completely unique designs. The new diamond's value represents his desire to invest in the one he loves. It has been re-shanked, and now faces life's wear and tear with a stronger foundation.

Seven years ago, I received a perfect gift, and I wanted it to stay the same forever.

This year, I lost that gift. And a new one took its place. One that promises better things than I ever knew how to desire.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

I Said No

My husband's "mammary fixation" is one stubborn beast. A longstanding, pointless, conflict between us has been his request that I get breast implants. The very idea nauseates me. But I was going to do it. Before he decided to expedite matters and get his "needs" met elsewhere. Even after that, two months ago, I said I was willing. It soon became clear to me that I was not. But I couldn't say anything. His definition of hope for the future was me getting breast implants. I couldn't take away his hope.

Now, he's done a tremendous amount of work to change how he thinks and behaves. He's shot ahead in therapy faster than I dreamed possible.

He became healthy enough for me to drop the bomb.

So I said, "I cannot do this." If this is really what he wants, he must drum up the courage to leave me.

He's devastated. I'm relieved.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Time and Healing

I am happy to say that over the past four months, my husband and I have managed to work our way back to where we left off in our relationship. We're even moving into a better place than we were in before. A new start: the passion of our dating days enacted by the more mature people we both are now.

But it is bittersweet, especially as our physical relationship intensifies (slowly!). When I hear his sincere "I love you," and respond with my own; when I see real desire in his face and feel it in his touch, the pain of betrayal pierces me to the heart again. It's not the all-encompassing greif of the early days of shock or the deep hopelessness of the time afterwards in which he still hated me. It's a poignant sadness intertwined with dual joys: the renewed passion we are enjoying in the present and the beauty of the future to which I look forward.

But for now I still grieve. And finally, I have someone to hold me while I weep--for the pain he himself caused.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Twisted Reality

He still hates me. He still actually thinks I did something to drive him away. The family "values" he picked up say that parents will fight with each other and love their children. So he created conflict where it did not exist.

Once he fights his own demons, he'll have a chance to find out who I really am.

In the meantime, I will be very lonely.

Now I know why people get divorced. I have chosen the more difficult path.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Alone

Do you know anyone married to an alcoholic who also cheated on them after psychologically raping them?

If so, please introduce me.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

What Do You Call a Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniac?

A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

It used to be funny, before I developed the bad habit of becoming one under stress. I just spent several weeks in a state where sleeping and waking were not too different. I have forgotten how to feel anything but regret for letting my husband treat me so badly for so long.

The person I'll have the hardest time forgiving is myself.