Freedom?

Just took my first shower since The Confession. Got dressed in comfy sweatpants my husband's never liked. I realized I can't remember when I last got dressed specifically with comfort in mind. It's all been about what he'll find attractive.

With him out of the house I can wear whatever I want. I can eat the things I like that gross him out. I'm free. It's a good feeling. Could I get used to this? He's afraid I will if we stay "separated." It's a risk, but I certainly don't love this freedom more than I love him. Despite all the anger, hurt, revulsion, and despair I feel, that would be a pretty lame trade-off.

The freedom will serve a purpose, though, in helping me find some of myself again, the self he fell in love with in the first place. That's why I decided to wear something special under my sweats. I recently bought this $60 "hot milk" nursing bra to impress him. I thought I'd put it away for a while because he certainly won't be seeing it for a loooooong time, but then was struck with a thought: I can wear it for me. I can wear it to feel beautiful, to remember I am worth the grovelling he's going to have to do to win me back. Because of my bent to self-hatred, it would be easy to think I'm not worth it, that I should just "forgive" him immediately. But I'll keep wearing my sexy underwear as a symbol of my own worth.