Power

I went away for a few days, to a place I'd never visited with him. I journaled, cried, wandered around aimlessly, visited a church and took care of the baby. Oh, and I got a speeding ticket. Do they have an extreme emotional distress excuse?

I came back feeling completely out of love with him and stronger in myself than ever. I've lived with seven years of emotional abuse and a year of increasing abandonment during which time I had a baby. If I can handle that I can certainly handle whatever is next.

And then he came over. According to the terms of "The New Normal," a plan I had arranged for his evening visits with us, he came over from 5-8, did the dishes (for a change), and put our two-year-old to bed. And being with him melted me. I couldn't stop thinking of all the things I wanted to tell him but couldn't because I feel violated even sharing my pain with him. Once he left I was too much of a wreck to even brush my teeth before falling asleep in my clothes.

Tonight he came again, with his dad because I couldn't be with him alone. I was calmer, stronger, and we were able to talk. This melted me in a completely different way. He told me some of the things he was doing to try to prove himself to me, to try to win me back. I'm almost ready to fall for it and kiss him. But I have absolutely no framework for evaluating anymore whether it is the man I love or his addiction talking, manipulating. Both have such power over me.