Tonight's "date" of marital counseling and dinner left me feeling more affection and compassion for my husband than I have all month. However, I still had to ask him to leave after putting the kids to bed because I needed space to grieve.
What came out in counseling was powerful. Tears filled his eyes as he expressed his "need" for the kind of feelings in sex that seeing large breasts gives him. (Don't laugh! I have made light of this, but can't now that I've seen his tears.) He wants that feeling in sex with me, and has not found it. Apparently he did find it with the prostitute, but it was worth little without the emotional connection he has with me. Right now he feels hopeless ever to have both. He sees faithfulness to me as a death sentence to any hope of the fulfillment of his "need." And he still wants to be with me! I've never received a better compliment, twisted though it is.
Of course, I don't think this "need" is exactly rational. Our therapist hinted that it probably stems from my husband's own body image struggles. It adds up: he has long felt insecure about his skinny body, so of course he obsesses over an aspect of me he feels is too small. And since he feels like an inherently incomplete person, he can't really have much respect for any other person who loves him deeply. Anyone who wants him must be inherently incomplete too.
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