I Said No

My husband's "mammary fixation" is one stubborn beast. A longstanding, pointless, conflict between us has been his request that I get breast implants. The very idea nauseates me. But I was going to do it. Before he decided to expedite matters and get his "needs" met elsewhere. Even after that, two months ago, I said I was willing. It soon became clear to me that I was not. But I couldn't say anything. His definition of hope for the future was me getting breast implants. I couldn't take away his hope.

Now, he's done a tremendous amount of work to change how he thinks and behaves. He's shot ahead in therapy faster than I dreamed possible.

He became healthy enough for me to drop the bomb.

So I said, "I cannot do this." If this is really what he wants, he must drum up the courage to leave me.

He's devastated. I'm relieved.

Twisted Reality

He still hates me. He still actually thinks I did something to drive him away. The family "values" he picked up say that parents will fight with each other and love their children. So he created conflict where it did not exist.

Once he fights his own demons, he'll have a chance to find out who I really am.

In the meantime, I will be very lonely.

Now I know why people get divorced. I have chosen the more difficult path.

Mommy Issues

"When we got married, I wanted a partnership where we could work together, but you have been constantly fighting to be in control. You use all kinds of weapons to control me."

That's kind of how I feel. Except he was the one who said it. In counseling. To me.

"I don't think I really do that."

"Yes you f***ing do!"

These words still sting, even though I now I am firmly convinced it is not me he is angry with.

It's his mother.

And not the real, kind, strong, wise woman I know, but a frightening amplification of her. The version that a two-year-old might see. I saw it today when she was determined that my two-year-old would give her a hug, and wouldn't let him go play til he did. There wasn't anything inherently wrong with the interaction, but it is easy to imagine how, when repeated over and over, that might erode a child's sense of autonomy. Especially an exquisitely sensitive child. Like my husband.

I was drawn to that sensitive child in him. I longed to give him the unconditional love I thought he needed to help him be the impressive man that I also saw. But the child has taken over. He cannot receive love from me because he sees a controlling gesture when I move a can he placed in the garbage to the recycling bin. He hears a domineering woman when I tell him which dishes need to be hand washed.

He must discover and put to rest the monster-mother in his brain. I fear for his actual mother, when he turns his wrath from me to her as this begins to dawn on him. But she is a strong adult capable of handling it. And eventually, he will learn to separate her too from his demons.

His Great Pain

Tonight's "date" of marital counseling and dinner left me feeling more affection and compassion for my husband than I have all month. However, I still had to ask him to leave after putting the kids to bed because I needed space to grieve.

What came out in counseling was powerful. Tears filled his eyes as he expressed his "need" for the kind of feelings in sex that seeing large breasts gives him. (Don't laugh! I have made light of this, but can't now that I've seen his tears.) He wants that feeling in sex with me, and has not found it. Apparently he did find it with the prostitute, but it was worth little without the emotional connection he has with me. Right now he feels hopeless ever to have both. He sees faithfulness to me as a death sentence to any hope of the fulfillment of his "need." And he still wants to be with me! I've never received a better compliment, twisted though it is.

Of course, I don't think this "need" is exactly rational. Our therapist hinted that it probably stems from my husband's own body image struggles. It adds up: he has long felt insecure about his skinny body, so of course he obsesses over an aspect of me he feels is too small. And since he feels like an inherently incomplete person, he can't really have much respect for any other person who loves him deeply. Anyone who wants him must be inherently incomplete too.

Boundaries

Why didn't anyone tell me that I can say things like this?:
"If you talk to me that way I will go spend the night at my friend's house."
"If you look at porn you will not be sleeping with me."

In my case, following my parents' excellent example of a healthy marriage went terribly wrong. My parents were loving and giving to each other, putting each other's needs first. But it takes two to have a relationship like that. One person doing it becomes a slave!

My father made it a point to teach my brothers to treat women with respect. Both parents taught me and my sister to only date men who would respect our physical and emotional boundaries. But no one told me I was responsible to see that I was treated with respect after marriage. My husband seemed like the kind of man who would. He was raised to respect women too.

Maybe pornography warped his view of women.

Or maybe I did, by letting him control me.

Either way, it ends here.

7

Not one time. Seven times. Only one technically. That was bad enough, but this adds a whole new dimension of pain.

First, because I'm stuck in the land of If Only: He told his "friend," who I'd encouraged him to talk to about his issues, exactly what happened the first time, and his friend TOLD HIM NOT TO TELL ME. My husband has always been honest with me about his sexual struggles, often to the point of hurting me. I urged him to save his discontentment with me for talking about with other men, but the actual involvement of another human being in this infidelity is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. Ultimately I think he just used his friend's advice as an excuse to begin dishonesty where it had never been before.

But if only he'd not listened, we could have had this crisis weeks ago.

Before he dealt the final blow of going all the way.

Before I had sex with him for the first time(s) after having the baby.

I wish his damn wedding ring had cracked then. (See page: The Ring.)

Freedom?

Just took my first shower since The Confession. Got dressed in comfy sweatpants my husband's never liked. I realized I can't remember when I last got dressed specifically with comfort in mind. It's all been about what he'll find attractive.

With him out of the house I can wear whatever I want. I can eat the things I like that gross him out. I'm free. It's a good feeling. Could I get used to this? He's afraid I will if we stay "separated." It's a risk, but I certainly don't love this freedom more than I love him. Despite all the anger, hurt, revulsion, and despair I feel, that would be a pretty lame trade-off.

The freedom will serve a purpose, though, in helping me find some of myself again, the self he fell in love with in the first place. That's why I decided to wear something special under my sweats. I recently bought this $60 "hot milk" nursing bra to impress him. I thought I'd put it away for a while because he certainly won't be seeing it for a loooooong time, but then was struck with a thought: I can wear it for me. I can wear it to feel beautiful, to remember I am worth the grovelling he's going to have to do to win me back. Because of my bent to self-hatred, it would be easy to think I'm not worth it, that I should just "forgive" him immediately. But I'll keep wearing my sexy underwear as a symbol of my own worth.

Men Should Read This Blog

One of the most stunning things I've realized is he just doesn't get it. He really didn't understand the decision he made and still doesn't entirely.

Men, when you cheat, you are giving something that should be only your wife's to someone else. You are stealing from her. Even if she isn't a very good wife to you, her life is still very much about you, perhaps almost entirely about you.

Think: Are you willing to gamble life as you know it for that which you hope to obtain by being with someone else?