I Said No

My husband's "mammary fixation" is one stubborn beast. A longstanding, pointless, conflict between us has been his request that I get breast implants. The very idea nauseates me. But I was going to do it. Before he decided to expedite matters and get his "needs" met elsewhere. Even after that, two months ago, I said I was willing. It soon became clear to me that I was not. But I couldn't say anything. His definition of hope for the future was me getting breast implants. I couldn't take away his hope.

Now, he's done a tremendous amount of work to change how he thinks and behaves. He's shot ahead in therapy faster than I dreamed possible.

He became healthy enough for me to drop the bomb.

So I said, "I cannot do this." If this is really what he wants, he must drum up the courage to leave me.

He's devastated. I'm relieved.

His Great Pain

Tonight's "date" of marital counseling and dinner left me feeling more affection and compassion for my husband than I have all month. However, I still had to ask him to leave after putting the kids to bed because I needed space to grieve.

What came out in counseling was powerful. Tears filled his eyes as he expressed his "need" for the kind of feelings in sex that seeing large breasts gives him. (Don't laugh! I have made light of this, but can't now that I've seen his tears.) He wants that feeling in sex with me, and has not found it. Apparently he did find it with the prostitute, but it was worth little without the emotional connection he has with me. Right now he feels hopeless ever to have both. He sees faithfulness to me as a death sentence to any hope of the fulfillment of his "need." And he still wants to be with me! I've never received a better compliment, twisted though it is.

Of course, I don't think this "need" is exactly rational. Our therapist hinted that it probably stems from my husband's own body image struggles. It adds up: he has long felt insecure about his skinny body, so of course he obsesses over an aspect of me he feels is too small. And since he feels like an inherently incomplete person, he can't really have much respect for any other person who loves him deeply. Anyone who wants him must be inherently incomplete too.

Is This Going to Save Our Marriage?

Yes and no. We're both committed to making it work, so our marriage will be saved. Does that mean his adultery was necessary? I wrestled with this question while reading this yesterday.

My husband claims experiencing this has helped him to value me more. We were both virgins (technically) when we got married, so he always had to wonder what he was missing. Now he's learned it wasn't much. (I wondered too, but I valued monogamy too much to let that get beyond vague fantasy.) I've no doubt he does value me more now. And yet, there is no way it was worth destroying the rare, valuable, beautiful thing we had just to find out how rare, valuable, and beautiful it was.

This will be the catalyst that saves our marriage. It is forcing us to deal with things we didn't before. Even simple actions I failed to take, like sending our two-year-old to spend some time with his grandparents so we could talk uninhibited, or shopping for music to fend off depression, have now been coerced.

But we could have done those things before. This is just the end of the road we were speeding down. We could have gotten out of the car and walked a side trail before we ran smack into the mountain we'll now have to climb. He could have gotten help with his sexual addiction before this. I could have given him an ultimatum before this.

To anyone reading this who hasn't hit the mountain yet, pull over now. There is another way! And either of you can choose it, if you have the courage.